Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
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You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.