All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
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Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”