My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
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The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five