Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
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[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.