Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
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Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Cow it started Cow it’s going
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)