*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
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If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
consequences, the bane of my existence
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.