I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
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[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
#merica
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Whoa… oh I see lol
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…