Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
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when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
I wish I could veto my bills.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
It’s a gift
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
me after eating Cheetos
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.