Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
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I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
is it earth
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?