As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
You Might Also Like
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
The Compass
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah