It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
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This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
“HELP WITH CAT”
When I snag the last meatball.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.