Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
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sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
#Caturday
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
I came this close!!!!
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔