One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
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The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
never ask a starfish for directions
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.