When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
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[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.