“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
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[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream