On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
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WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
The prophecy is fulfilled
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea