I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
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“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie