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I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
🤣😂🤣
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
*serious situation*
My brain:
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING