I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
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In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”