Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
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A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
cats when you pet them too long:
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Note to self: I am a note