This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
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Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Netflix and scream at our children?!
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.