Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
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I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.