Britain be like
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I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room