the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
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*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.