I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
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Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day