Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
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No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
When your parents check you’re ok.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”