> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
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Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Oh my God.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day