“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
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My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Succinctly put.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
also my go-to takeaway order
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos