My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
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Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.