I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
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Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
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Uncertain:
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Just married:
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Pregnant:
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Dead:
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I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down