DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
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Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.