Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
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Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.