Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
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Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.