The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
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I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Print is alive and well!!!
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
[being buried alive] you missed a spot