Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
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I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
ATMs should have breathalyzers
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Meow
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.