‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
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me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*