I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
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Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Message from the dog groomers
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard