ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
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I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
WHO DID THIS?
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.