My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
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Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste