groan^2
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My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.