SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
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1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
My daily affirmation
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Jogging has never helped my memory.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.