There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
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If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Rooting for the overdog
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it