“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
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9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking