BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
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therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
I’ve had relationships like this
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Weirdos gonna weird.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!