Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
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My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Are you a cat person or a person person?
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information