Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
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Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming