#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
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Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
#NeverForget
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.