INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
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Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why