no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
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It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
A man of commitment.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.