Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
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Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.